Up My Own Ass

As American blacks and the white “LOL” generation break out the confetti and party hats over the seemingly inevitable election of the first black president since Bill Clinton, the McCain campaign, after having another one of their “What the hell did we do?” meetings over the Arizona senator’s ridiculous VP choice, has discovered an interesting new concept. It’s called the Bradley Effect.

Named after the late 60 Minutes newsman Ed Bradley, the Bradley Effect was invented by a small group of MIT students over a bong and a game of Connect Four in 1906. It says the white guy must win, for example Emmy-winning actor Bradley Whitford, who beat out men of all colors for his award.

In 2004, physicist Ashton Kutcher further studied the Bradley Effect to determine that a seemingly simple change can cause unexpected bigger changes in the future - for example Minnie Lou Bradley and her trailblazing for women in livestock breeding, or, of course, Marty McFly’s trip back to 1955.

But just how does the McCain campaign effectively utilize, or use, this so-called Bradley Effect? One way, says strategist Algernon Leary, is to gather every Obama supporter and shoehorn them into the Bradley Center in Milwaukee and Bradley International Airport in Connecticut and hold them prisoner until after the election.

“That’s what must be done,” Leary said. “Else there’s no effect in Bradley.”

Another possible use of the BE, as they call it on the street, is to distract the young Obama supporters with games like Candyland and Uncle Wiggly.

“They’re pretty simple, these Obamanaics,” said Fatty Holepoke, commissioner of such games. “We have boxes and boxes of Battleship, Simon and Scattergories all ready to be shipped around the country.”

When asked how effective the BE is, most were perplexed by the question.

“No, we’re the Bradley Method,” said Eileen Bradley of Sydney, Australia. “You know, controlling the weeds in the bushland?”

“That store closed years ago,” said a man who used to shop at Bradlees.

“I think it has to do with a governor or something,” said former NBA center Shawn Bradley. “Now scram.”

Hugh Bradley was the first player to hit a home run at Fenway Park. He had nothing to say because he’s dead.

Whatever the Bradley Effect is, can it keep the white man streak alive in the Presidency? And, if so, what if John McCain drops dead while in office? Ironically, this would be called the Fred Sanford Effect.