Up My Own Ass

Retired Yankees from far and wide stormed Yankee Stadium with crowbars Sunday night to grab a li’l piece of the House That Ruth Built only seconds before bulldozers knocked the place down, killing everyone instantly. Suddenly all of Ruth Buzzi’s work, constructing ole YS brick by brick back in 1782, was for not. And soon all that was left were Jason Giambi’s moustache and seven jars, each containing a liver once housed by Mickey Mantle.

The memories are plenty: the time Joe DiMaggio gave Lou Gehrig AIDS in the clubhouse, and then gave that inspirational speech about winning one for the Gipper, whoever that was. The time Whitey Ford tried to lynch Elston Howard. Or the time Yogi Berra’s son snorted the dirt off of home plate. These moments were all celebrated as stars of pinstripes past wheeled themselves around the bases, all trying to remember the Yankee glory days of the 20th century.

The greatest Yankee ever, Billy Crystal, was on hand to express his homoerotic love for the team.

“The Yankees were a baseball team,” Crystal told the crowd. “Can you dig that? I knew you could.”

When Crystal finished his 148-minute speech there were only 300 people left in the park to see the finale: Thurman Munson and Cory Lidle each piloting planes in the greatest air show the House That Ruth Gordon Built has ever seen.

In the end it was Don Mattingly taking a Louisville Slugger to the many plaques gracing the stadium and screaming about never playing in a World Series. And Jay Buhner, still angry at being traded for Ken Phelps, joined in. Both were immediately signed by the Yanks for next season. Finally, it was George Elizabeth Steinbrenner addressing the few who were still alive to say that next season’s tickets will cost a million dollars each.

The only significant non-attendee was former Yankee manager Joe Torre, who was busy making the playoffs.

And so the House that Connie and John Wilkes Booth Built was no more, only to make way for the House You Idiots’ll Be Payin’ Out the Ass For to open next year.