Up My Own Ass

Yard selling is my crack.

I spend every weekend morning hunting and rummaging for the lost works of Rembrandt and any other amazing treasure that I can get my hands on.  It is a passion that burns with an unquenchable intensity, and I stoke the fires regularly.

That being said, nothing pisses me off more than bad yard sale etiquette, so let me help all y’all come correct:

Signage - If you want people to come to your yard sale, put out a sign that people can read, for fuck’s sake.  In case you don’t know, that best contrast is achieved with thick black lettering on yellow poster board.

Please don’t use a goddamn pencil on a cardboard box.  If people can’t read your sign, they can’t buy your fucking Christmas tree stand and your Fingerhut dolphin wall clock, you asshole.

Additionally, make sure you are using proper terminology when you advertise your yard sale on the YELLOW POSTER BOARD WITH THICK BLACK LETTERING.  If it is in your yard, it is a yard sale.  If it is in your garage, it is a garage sale…do you see the pattern, or do I have to draw it out for you on YELLOW POSTER BOARD WITH THICK BLACK LETTERING?

In ANY case, it is NOT an estate sale unless you are selling everything in your dearly departed Aunt Tilly’s house.  If I drain the gastank following your poorly scrawled ESTATE SALE signs and you are selling four cheap rugs and a glass top coffee table in your carport, I’m kickin’ your ASS.

Yard Seller Etiquette - If you are having a yard sale, or similar, please make it worth my while.  Here is a brief list of things that I will stop for:  jewelry, glassware, kitchen items, anything vintage, decent furniture, etc.

Here is a brief list of things that will make me drive by and give you the finger:  Christmas tree stands, dolphin wall clocks, those hideous dolls with the cheap ruffly dresses or huge eyes, crafts that you made and couldn’t sell, etc.

Also, remember that the items you are selling are items that are used and you no longer want or need them.  Some people would classify that as garbage.  Price accordingly.  When you overprice your garbage, that makes me want to break your things in front of you and throw them to the ground.  Overpricing your garbage is referred to as “Zbornackery,” in direct reference to Dorothy Zbornak attempting to charge $1100 for a hockey stick at a yard sale on an episode of the Golden Girls.  I have coined that phrase and I own it.

Yard Sale Shopper Etiquette - Get out of my fucking way.  Get back into your rickety-ass, two-story pickup truck that you are going to drive straight to the local swap meet and unload.  Quit acting like you don’t speak English so that you can pretend you don’t know what TEN DOLLARS means, so that you can play stupid when you steal a bunch of shit from someone’s yard sale (true story:  I watched someone chased down and forced to return an expensive suitcase that they did NOT pay for because they pretended not to understand).  Don’t grab shit out of my hands, unless you want me to punch you in the face.  Mind your fucking children or else I will discreetly kick them out of my way.  I’m serious.  Don’t use the phrase “jew you down.”  It pisses me off to hear that (another true story:  someone surprised a seller by promising not to “jew them” in front of a table of Hanukkah decorations).  Don’t tell me how much something is selling for on Ebay.  Fucking sell it on Ebay, if you think it’s worth so much.

A word about “collectibles”:  There is no such thing as a “collectibles” yard sale.  If you are selling them, they are no longer collectibles and they are fair game.  I am not paying $100 for a Barbie at a yard sale, and I don’t want to see another fucking Star Wars toy.  I don’t want you to wow me with your knowledge of every fucking Hot Wheels car because I don’t give a shit…I am going to hand your precious Hot Wheel to my kid so he can rip open the package, anyway.

I am a professional, and I am not stupid.  I know what I am looking for, and I will buy it if you have it and it is priced reasonably.  I have no intention of cheating you out of your money, and I would like the same courtesy extended.  Follow these simple rules and make the whole process easier for all of us.